Mike takes Amsterdam: annnnnnd then some

Day 19

“so for 50euro…”

Next morning, Katie met me at Mac Bike, the premiere bike rental shop. As I had mentioned before, usually in Facebook status updates, I planned on doing Amsterdam right- on a touring bike. And I’m telling you- there really is no other way to experience Amsterdam. Tour buses and rental cars can suck it; walking can suck it; everything can suck it- except for biking. The overall atmosphere of Amsterdam seems to much more upbeat, and I don’t think because of the dope, but because of the natural endorphins everyone has flowing through their bodies from riding bikes all day. I mean, really, look at this:

This is just the 1st level of a multi-leveled bike-parking area next to the canal. EVERYONE rides EVERYWHERE and it’s absolutely fantastic. This ultimately only leads to a few people driving, but from what I experienced, you can get everywhere you need to go on a touring bike. I was only on one for a few minutes when I realized how awesome the day was going to be. It just helps you feel really good because you get exercise, you’re not causing extreme pollution, and quite frankly, it’s just a a lot of fun! I could have rented a moped or gas-bike, but eff that, man! You gotta experience things as everyone else does them! Otherwise, what’s the point in going places, you know?

Katie finally showed up and it was really nice to see her again. We first met in my first year of college; we were in the same FIG (Freshman Interest Group) and from there, got her hooked on Smallville, so lest-be-said, we were pretty good friends and to see her again- well, it was really nice. Quick hug and we were outta there! Since I was still carrying my big-ass backpack, we road across town to her apartment to drop it off before we got going to a small coffee bistro, since Katie hadn’t ate all day and she had been riding for about an hour or so before she met up with me. It was here that I would have my first bit of legalized herb while Katie ate her bagel. Now, a slight history with me and this stuff: I’m not a big user. In fact, the times in which I had partaken in college really didn’t get me feeling as if I should ever do it habitually. This, right now, in this country, was something to add to my growing collection of “live-in-the-now” experiences and boy- Did I live in the now! Katie warned me though, smoking (too much) and riding was on par to drinking and driving, and I trusted her, so I took it easy. I mean, I did have the ENTIRE day…might as well pace myself…

Shortly after we had sat down, one of the workers came out and yelled at us for sitting in front of the store, so we packed up shop and got back on our bikes to go to another coffeeshop that Katie said had reallly good hot chocolate. I never really believed hot chocolate demanded the use of an exaggerated “really”, but she was right! At first I thought it was because we got it in a coffeeshop and she was more or less probably stoned whenever she got it, but nah man, this stuff was legit! It was steamed milk with cube of Dutch chocolate shucked on the end of a fondue stick that we had to stir in ourselves. Of course, because Dutch chocolate isn’t as sweet as it is stateside, each mug came with some extra sugar, but I didn’t mind the bitter darkness of the choco. It was almost as smooth as it was bitter…I know, I can’t really explain it, but it was! We sat there a bit and enjoyed the hot chocolate and the atmosphere of the small store before Katie looked at me and asked me if I felt like a beer.

It' was 11:30; of course I did.

We rode over to a small lunchtime bistro and had a lager while Katie explained to me how horrible customer service in Holland really wasn’t the best. Typically, you have to stare at the waiter while they walk toward you, not back down, and essentially grab them to get your order. 30minutes later, you had food. Luckily, all we got was a brew while we shot-the-shit, so we didn’t have to experience the horror of Dutch customer service. Here was where we planned out the next couple of hours, including a trip to the most popular farmer’s market in Amsterdam, a photography museum, and a canal tour.

After we had locked up out bikes outside of the market, Katie began telling me a bit about the cultural aspect of Amsterdam, particularly about the racial bigotry that has lately been coming about with the immigration of a lot of Turkish people. She told me that although her Dutch was relatively pretty poor, what could gather, would –as she put it- make my ears bleed. She compared it to early American racism against African-Americans and almost said it was more blood-lusty than that. I would say it was interesting to hear, but at the same time, saddening to hear that one of the happiest places to live in the world had been infected by the disgusting disease of racism. It’s interesting because from what I learned prior to my visit is that Holland, in it’s immigration, won’t allow anyone in the country who wouldn’t assimilate perfectly into their culture. Unlike the States where we embrace cultures of all varieties, the Dutch enjoy their already progressive society and don’t really like radical changes. For example, I believe- believe- that at one point, a questionnaire asked potential immigrants if they could tolerate gay persons kissing in public, and if they couldn’t, they wouldn’t be allowed in the country. I could be wrong and that might have actually been just a radical example of the immigration standards of the country, but from what I saw, it really wasn’t far off.

After Katie bought a t-shirt, we took a walk around the park (which was absolutely stunning) and went back to the bikes, where we then proceeded to Foam, the museum of photography. Foam’s current display featured the life and work of one photographer- W. Eugene Smith. His work as a photojournalist was amazing because at first, he took pictures because he felt a calling, but soon he started to take pictures for causes- namely WWII, Vietnam propaganda, human rights, and lastly to explore the humanity in people. Check out the link and check out what you can, because this dude was phenomenal.

Foam really brought me around to think of how I can use my photography for similar causes and not just for taking photos that “look cool”- but then I realized, I liked taking pictures that “look cool” and I’m fine with that at the moment; and then we got GIN. And not just any gin- the best gin in Holland! I mean, seriously, this shit was legit! This company, Wynand Fockink, is the premire distillery of Holland and has been since 1679; their products ranged from straight-up gin to mix-and-matched flavors. I, myself, had mandarin and creme brulee gins. The neat part about it is they came in fancy drinking glasses and filled to the brim with delicious liquor; however, you couldn’t pick up the glass without sipping it down first. It’s kind of like a blowjob at a bar- no hands policy- but after you sipped it down a bit, you were good to go. Check it: Katie and I classing up at Wynand Fockink.

The dude behind the counter was a curious sort, but was very good natured and if you do go there, you have to go with enough time to talk with him because it’s one of those places that…you just do. Don’t be the dick that gets a drink and leaves. Totally sweet spot that EVERYONE needs to visit in Amsterdam.

Before we got completely snockered on delicious gin, we decided to hit up the canal tour. The canal ride was nice because I got to see the areas of Amsterdam that we wouldn’t have been able to reach in the one day I was there. The worst part was when AN ENTIRE CLASS OF HIGH SCHOOL KIDS GOT ON THE BOAT; they were loud, annoying, and got in the way of ALL my shots. Those little bastards nearly ruined my canal ride, but luckily Katie was able to provide the information that I couldn’t hear from the actual guide. I didn’t end up taking many pictures because of the kids, but it’s alright because the pictures I did take were worth it.

After the canal ride, we made for one of Katie’s favorite pubs in the whole of Amsterdam. I don’t know what it was called, but all I know is while she bought cigarettes, I bought a wood pipe for more Julio. She couldn’t help laughing whenever I lit up because she admitted she had never seen anyone, ANYONE smoke from a wood pipe. My response?

America.

‘nuff said.

Now, for anyone following this asking themselves “Where is the part about the Red light District, Mike?!”

It’s right here: the pub, get this, was right down the alley from the Red Light District. Katie told me to just walk around and check things out, see it for myself. And I’ll tell you what- there are, in fact, women in doorways with red (more like hot-pinkish) lights around every door. And I was NOT ready for how pseudo creepy it was! I mean, there are WOMENin DOORWAYS with NO CLOTHES on! I mean, all throughout Europe I’ve seen uncensored mannequins in windows, but I was not ready for them to move- nonetheless wave at me! And they were EVERYWHERE! Left, Right, Up, Down…everywhere! And in some places, there were TWO of them in ONE ROOM! Given all my boyish excitement, I will admit I made a couple of laps through the district and for some reason, I heard a bunch of knocking whenever I would walk by. As Katie would later explain to me, that’s when the ladies had a particular interest in a fella. So it goes to say- I felt pretty special at hearing so many knocks my way. But then again, they are prostitutes that want to be paid, so, I’m not trying to give myself jazzhands over the knocking.

sooooooooo….we left the Red Light and got some Schwarme (?) at a Middle Eastern restaurant and then booked it home to have a couple more drinks and relax before my long-ass day of traveling tomorrow.

FAST FORWARD TO THE FOLLOWING MORNING

Before I got on a flight, I had a very Dutch meal of croquettes, which were deep-fried gravy rolls on bread. This, I believe, marked my return to the obese nature that is America- nothing like deep-fried fat on a stack of carbohydrates! And since I wasn’t prepared for it, I actually burned the roof of my mouth quite badly-which sucked. To add onto it, I got through security with maybe half-filled bottle of water and at the end of it, the lady wouldn’t let me take it with me or empty it out and refill it later. I mean, I understand the new international rules surrounding boarding flights and what not- but a dually hungover guy with a burnt mouth-roof needs water; I needed that water.

And here is where my European adventures come to an end- hungover and a burnt mouth-roof. Good thing the most of my trip in Amsterdam was spent in an unspeakable bliss or I’d have been pisssssssssed!

Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society…Mike’s taking of Amsterdam: COMPLETE.

Mike takes Oslo and takes it to the AWESOME

Homecoming: Day 5

"Oh-Would you Like a bag?"

We had an early start to the day with breakfast at our exclusive Regence Kristinelund hotel (corn flakes and fruit) and got going to the Norwegian Folk-Heritage Museum.

The Norwegian Folk-Heritage Museum is an outdoor museum that is really just a bunch of buildings from the historical progression of the Norwegians aka really flipping cool- I mean, these buildings weren’t anything spectacular, but the history behind them is amazing. The buildings, made from strong-ass Norwegian timber is not only built to survive all the elements (and survive them well), but they wood was decorated accordingly b the builder. Very intricate, very delicate, and very beautiful carvings usually covered just the face of the house and added a certain comfort to the large, snow-covered building. Inside, the buildings were scantly populated with unused furniture, with most benches being carved from the timber along the walls (this has been done by Norwegians essentially ever-since they became less nomadic). You know that warm and cozy feeling you get when you visit a family cabin or see pictures of warm and cozy cabins? Yeah, it’s like that, but much colder because there was no fire, but you get my point- they seemed like a nice place to live in. So much, even, that I started imagining myself living in one of these places once I get my own mortgage. And some of you will be thinking “wait- that’s what he said about every castle in the UK…?” And you’re right, I did and I do want a castle house. So now, I need to make a hybrid castle-cabin. It can and will be done.

We ended the museum with a trip to the top of a large hill where the church sat. This place was gorgeous, gothic, and ginormous (on the outside). The interior was absolutely fantastic- huge timber pillars held up the roof, with said timber being carved delicately; the small-sized and small amount of windows let in just enough light to add esthetic, while lit candles did the rest of the work; and the deck around the main worship hall (on the outside of the building) was perfect. It’s all I can really say. I’ll let you know when I have pictures posted, because this thing was wonderful.

VIKING SHIP MUSEUM! [vikingshiphuset]

FREAKING FANTASTIC, says I! This relatively small museum holds 3 of the largest Viking ship discoveries of Norway-the Oseberg, the Gokstad, and another one- and they are all HUGE! The Gokstad was the most intact find, while the Oseberg was pretty battered up, but due to careful reconstruction, they were able to make this historical artifact come to life. I read a ton on these ships and how they were constructed by hand and sat anywhere from 16-36large Vikings, royalty, and merchants and I was standing literally right next to it. HISTORY BONER! I would say I was embarrassed, but c’mon, I wasn’t. In any case, the museum was huge and awesome and seriously worth the long-ass walk from the hotel.

Maritime Museum [maritimtgaleriet]

I’d say it was similar to the Viking ship museum, but the only real similarities were both places housed boats. In know, it sounds like a big “doi” but it’s true. Whereas the Vikingship Museum had actual artifacts, the Maritime museum had models and replicas of a progression through the maritime history of Norway. It was cool, but it really wasn’t much of anything spectacular. If you’re into boats and ships, then this is the place to be; unfortunately, I am not so much into those things. Still, worth the visit and I saw a lot of interesting facts about their ships. Ultimately: worth it.

We planned on going to the Fram (one of the strongest and largest ships ever built), but it was closed for renovations. Balls! Minor note, though, the building was HUGE, so the ship has got to be worth the visit. Maybe next time….

Kon-Tiki

For anyone that doesn’t know about this, the Kon-TIki experiment boiled down to this: some smart dudes told other smart dudes that ancient raft sciences could successfully produce a craft that would sail across open bodies of water, namely the Atlantic. The first set of smart dudes got ridiculed by the other smart dudes, and thus, a challenge was born. Led by a Norwegian smart dude, a group of peeps from around the world got together to research and create successful tours across the Atlantic. Ultimately, the goal of the project wasn’t just to prove the neigh-saying smart dudes wrong, but also create an international team of smart dudes and prove that people from around the world could work together.

This was that museum.

The main displays were the two final versions of the individual ships created by the team for separate challenges and my GAWD were these rafts badass! One was made from the extremely light Balsa wood and the other was made from [name it]. In the end, both rafts were successful in their respective journeys and well, the smart dudes with the smart idea showed up the stupid smart dudes who doubted them. Hurrah!

Also, there was a HUGE ass replica of one of the stone carving from the island of [name it], made from a cast the scientists made of the statue (using something like 2000lbs of goo)! It was massive!!!!

Last stop: Vigeland Statue park [Vigelandsparken]

This was a magnificent stop on our Oslo tour. Some guy had an entire , huge-ass park to fill with his sculptures, and these sculptures were of people and various stages in life.

Oh yeah, and they’re naked; all of them.

It’s not like its bad nudity or graphic, its natural nudity and it’s tasteful. Sure, there are a ton of dicks and boobies, but in Scandinavia and Europe have such a different view on nudity that it is ok to see some random boob. I respect Europe for this because America is such a mondo prude and it’s really a drag on our youth, I believe. In any case, this park is wild. There is a bridge that is literally covered in his work, not to mention the entire park. You can say what you will about artistic interpretation, but the work is about people in all stages of life- anger, sadness, joy, etc. There is one statue with a man juggling eight small tots, one of a couple fighting, and even statues of small children playing. The guy knew how to capture human nature and he did it hundreds of times throughout this park and seriously, if you come to Oslo and NOT visit this park-you’re an idiot. The park is much larger than you would think, even by looking at the map of the city. We we’re there for maybe 45minutes and just reached the center via a quick path; like a radius to a circle. Yeah, freaking huge. Awesome place to check out.

So now, the reason this post is titled “oh…would you like a bag?”

Christian and I agreed that we were going to speak in strict Norwegian so I could get as much practice as possible. I had been feeling pretty good about my skills when we decided to stop by a 7-11 for food on the train. I pick my stuff, go to the cash register and say proudly I would like these items. After paying, the dude asks me something and I did really hear him. Upon me saying “what” in Norwegian, the guy looks at me and says “Ohh….would you like a bag?”

What an ass! Totally ruined it for me! I was doing so well!! He just needed to repeat himself!

Anyway, I told Christian and he almost fell over from laughing. He, too, is an ass. Whatever, I’m over it!

Oslo, my friends, is a very fun city. It was simply unfortunate for us to have gone on a Tuesday and Wednesday because I bet the night-life is off the HOOK! Awesomeness also occurred because it was only about 60$ to travel by train. Not bad!

Consider Oslo: Taken by Mike.