Mikkjel Ronsson: Mike takes Boston: This Guy Trying to be a Fackin’ Guy

Boston Trip: I’m going to say it was a Tuesday night/Wendesday morning…not really sure..

“So wait- he told you his name? And then ran? Oh man, this guy is facked!”

Alright, so , Casey and I had gone to bed around midnight, and toss in the time it takes to actually fall asleep, we JUST fell asleep-asleep around 2am-230am, right?

Boston had other plans for us, I’ll tell you hwhat.

I sleep next to a window and right around that true-falling asleep point, we hear a voraciously loud noise, followed quickly by an even louder and more sickening one; this was followed, accordingly, by the sound of tires on ice. We scrambled to the window and looked out to see one of the parked cars on this tiny-ass one-car street get completely TAGGED by a huge commercial van.

[Tagged, for the older generations reading this, is youth slang for “incurring damage that will result in the dude responsible being efffffed by his poor decision making]

And this dude who was driving the van somehow came to the conclusion that no one had heard and decides to try and get out of dahdge (dodge) before anyone decides to wake up and check it out. Too bad for him, Casey and I decided to check it out and see if the dude was ok, cause I mean, he PLOWED inta (into) that fackin’ cah (car)! We get dressed and head out and, as Casey would tell the cops later, she just had the feeling this guy was gonna bail and thus, we needed to get some information. As we get out and see what’s up, he get out of his car, says something along the lines of “awww shit” and gets back in his car to try to pull out again. Casey was busy trying to help him out and I decide to walk around the backside of the car and get as much information about the incident as I could in case this guy fled [make, model, license plate, the guy’s description, etc] when he hits paydirt and begins rapidly backing up. This almost ended up with me getting tagged by the raging chode, but instead, I flipped into beast-mode and hopped out of the way faster than a cheetah. Annnnd being on such a narrow road, his recklessness and poor decision making quickly turned his success into a fail as he backed in HARD to the Honda behind him.

Wuh-wuh, right!? The dude is just having NO good fortune with this whole accident.

SO, guy hops out and Casey and I walk up to him and –get this- shook his hand and exchanged names! I’ll tell you why this sucks for this guy later, but we did that. Casey, being the good person she is, first asks if he’s ok. He responded with “Oh mahn, could this get any wouhrse (worse)?” and Casey, being the funny/caring person she is, says “Well- ya could be dead, I mean, right?”

he didn’t laugh.

We said that given the damage to the rear-ended car, which was now blocking the road courtesy of the impact, we should probably call the cops because this was more than a simple fender-bender. I mean, check this out:

Yeah right?!

And, unfortunately, the first big crash of the night ended up being Casey’s roommate’s car, so despite Matt’s objections to go wake-up Lisa or call the police, we said we had no choice considering none of this really involved anything of ours (Casey’s). So, Casey heads back into the house to get Lisa and her phone, while I stayed outside with Matt. He leans up against his van and I that’s when I saw the lightbulb go off over his head- he calmly turns, pushed the dog that was in the car into the other seat, climbed in and drove off. Being the obvious idiot he was, instead of backing up down the street and peeling out away from more parked cars, he decides to drive between the ill-positioned Monte Carlo that he had rear-ended and a Chevy Silverado [insert loud noises of an idiot committing a hit-and-run]. I mean, honestly, there was nothing I could have done. Had I grabbed onto the back of the van to use my superman-like ability to lift cars, I would have probably gotten pinched between the two rigs and let’s face it, that wouldn’t have helped anyone. I decide to run in and grab my cell-phone, which was stupid not to grab on the way out, I admit, and call the Five-0. Before I even get inside, I hear more loud noises as Matt has managed to hit another (5) cars on his way down the street. I came back out to the road to find his had not only gotten stalled up on another car down the block, but decided that this was the time to make it on foot. With this brilliant plan put into action, Choderboy grabbed the dog, ditched this fat-ass commercial van in the middle of a tiny street, and began to walk away.

No, I am not making this up! This went down!

I booked it inside and tell Casey to call the fuzz because now he was running, and I went to go back outside to head down the street to see what else I could make note of. Oh man…the guy seriously tagged (2) cars, hit another (5) in his get-away, leaving (3) cars driverside mirrorless!

Extremely unfortunately for him, here is everything Casey and I got on him:

height and approx. weight;
All of his clothes;
the fact he had a small, white, yappy dog;
his license plate number;
his BUSINESS name, which was on the side of the van;
his name;
and the direction he took off in.

EXTREMELY unfortunately for him, here is everything the police found out about him when they got there:

He apparently lives just a couple blocks from Casey;
he was driving with a revoked license;
he is uninsured;
the company van is registered under his company.

So, long and short of it, after we’d talked with the cops for just about 1.5-2hours, they concluded with my opening quote - - “he’s facked!'”

Lisa eventually saw the cruiser lights and came out to see the damage, which she actually took in pretty decent stride. We ended the night by offering the cops some coffee or tea (which they kindly declined) and went back to bed- only after we called a mutual friend to tell them how epic our morning was.

So, as I posted on Facebook, Snowlack 2011 has hit an new high, with us being witnesses to a hit-and-run. Just because I like to finish things on a fun note, this is the final conversation I heard on the street before going in-

“Hey! Hey! Waht’s goin’ awn? Thaht’s my cahr!” said the owner of the Monte Carlo.

“Oh, yeah, it’s gettin’ towed pal. Sorry!” said police officer.

“Why? Waht happened?”

“Hit and Run; your car got facked up pretty bahd.”

“Awww shit. That saucks!” said Monte Carlo dude.

…I found it to be kind of funny, anyway..here are some of the other cars: