The Norwegian Sea and Me

Homecoming: Day 11

“Saul- GAWDDAMMIT STOP POINTING!!”

Needless to say that after taking Stavanger, I was a little beat. Christian and I decided to take it easy for a little bit- about 18hours, approximately; whilst enjoying coffee and cookies at Farmor’s, Saul (Christian’s sister’s English fiancé) we talked about ice-fishing and eating some good tasty-tasties for middag [mid-dog: dinner] when Christian got a crazy look in his eyes-

“So, I was thinking- the ice is too think to ice-fish now, but, we could, in fact, go fishing in the lake with Farfar’s canoe. What do you guys think?”

Of course! Why not go and do something extremely fun! I had little reservations and Saul wanted to do it, but being the senior to our little group, had to ponder a little more about the venture, but ultimately went with it. Now, to explains this mathematically (for those scientifically inclined), here is a formula for the grand scheme of things:

[ the original idea x youthful bliss ] + [ canoe ]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------- x [ unknown variable ] = ASININE!!!!

[ freezing water ] + [ 3 grown men in a 2 person canoe ]

Now, I will explain: the numerator deals with our adventure-driven ambition, while the denominator stands for the known risks; of course, the unknown variable is something that is actually known to the people of Norway, yet somehow slipped by my Norwegian ‘guide’, Christian. As anyone who has canoed before, they aren’t realllly meant for fishing because of their innate ability to take any slight weight adjustment and throw the boat back and forth, making it damn near impossible to adjust your weight while reeling in a big ole' fish- and that is with TWO people in a two-person canoe. I will reiterate for storytelling purposes, probably multiple times: we were three grown men. Getting in was a bitch to start with because the deck we launched from was about 3feet up from the surface of the water. Christian, being the tallest, was able to lower down the easiest; I’m not too much shorter so it wasn’t anything difficult for me either; but Saul…SAUL is about 4foot nothing and more of the intellectual sort. Nothing against him, Saul is one of the nicest, most genuine people I’ve met, but an adventurer, I’m not so sure. SO, he tries lowering in, but his feet were kicking around similar to when you pull a swimming dog out of water- you know- the non-stop paddling as their paws search for water? Anyway, so he finally gets into the boat, and THANK GOD we were still dockside because Saul’s weight displacement began throwing the canoe and everyone/everything around helter skelter. Hahah we almost fell in right there! Christian used his strength to stabilize the canoe while I held onto the dock for a stable support while Saul got cozy. Freakin a, it was rough!

After we got it, we started oaring our way out- and yes, oars. We couldn’t find the paddles because we sort of…took the canoe from his grandparents because Farmor misunderstood Christian the first go around and he didn’t want to risk not being able to use the canoe, so we just went with it [turns out, the paddles were in the locked room in the barn- whodathunkit?!]. Our Viking rowing combined with the current to swiftly carry us out to what could be considered the gateway to the Norwegian Sea and we started to discuss where we should go to fish. This quickly turned to a discussion of if we should fish given how the canoe was rocking so ferociously while just preparing our fishing gear. We were only about 50yards from an island, but to fall in anywhere would have sucked ass given how cold it was. So, we begin discussing the severity of open water fishing and the idea of rowing over to the island to dock and what not when I looked to the side of the boat and saw it…

A gawd-damned Jellyfish; the unknown variable.

Quick Wikipedia search tells me the little dude is a “Moon Jellyfish”-Aurelia aurita- and lives (obviously) in Norway, moreover the colder parts of the Northern Atlantic and Norwegian Sea. Christian said that he would swim out in the area a bunch as a kid and would get stung quite often. Obviously, they aren’t fatal stings, but nonetheless- those little effers were EVERYWHERE! It was then we realized fishing was a bad idea because the shifting weight of the thrashing fish and us trying to compensate would more than likely tip us and then we would be effed. We decided to row over to the small island and fish from shore, but Saul-SAUL kept pointing at things, constantly throwing around the canoe like a toy-boat during bathtime for an infant. It was then when I cautioned Saul to keep his pointing to a minimum, in the words expressed in italics at the beginning of the post. In all honestly, if he tipped us….oh man…I’d catch a jellyfish and throw it in his face. It’d be worth my own self-inflicted stings.

FAST-FORWARD!!!!

Saul and I had set up shop and were fishing on the edge of the big rock while Christian hopped back in the canoe to let the lines go out deeper, hopefully increasing our chances for dinner. Upon coming back to the island, Christian was landing when he tipped and slipped- but not all the way- he managed to catch himself on a cresting rock that was exposed by the withdrawn tide, so only his arm got wet. No big deal- but then his boot became caught under the lip of the canoe. This forced him to try quickly pulling his boot out when the tide decided to go out further- so he stretches himself thin trying to hold onto the rock-and ultimately- his dry state of being. But, it failed and he fell in, and as soon as he did- oh MAN the tide came CRASHING into the cove, filling the canoe with water and putting Christian under! I ran over and hopped in (only up to my boots) and helped him up and out. The aftermath of the Norwegian Sea had left him soaked and an oar floating out to the open sea. After Christian got his freezing ass into (essentially) dry land, I hopped into the canoe and went after the oar. I quickly snagged it out of the water and decided to wait out in the canoe until the tide calmed down. It’s then I noticed the swarm of jellyfish around the boat. MY theory is they got the scent of human and decided to gather, but according to Wikipedia, they don’t eat humans, so, I’m wrong. BUT still! They were all around me! What is an outnumbered, outmatched Viking to do? Oh, I know:

I decided to punch one in the face.

Obviously, this was not possi ble, but I had an alternate solution similar to being punched in the face:

I bitchslapped it with an oar.

Yup, I flat out got close to the nearest one (which was actually messed with my everyone in the party in someway- Christian caught-and-released it with a net and Saul accidentally snagged it with his fishing hook) and brought down upon this unsuspecting Moon Jelly ALL THE MIGHT OF THOR. In all truth, since it was a couple inches under the surface, and I hit it with the broadside, it probably didn’t really affect it that much. But the point is- I did it. Why? Because Man > Nature. ‘Nuff Said.

After my jellyfish-bitchslapping-rampage, we decided with Christian being soaked that we should head back, so I headed to the island to pick up the others and our gear- when I fell in. It wasn’t as bad as Christian since it was just my entire left leg, but still, insulated boots absorb cold water and retain it just as well as it keeps feet warm and dry-unless submerged under water. This heightened our need to get back quickly, so we loaded up, but with all the water in the canoe from our little dips, the canoe had NO stabilization and the slightest of movements would send us rocking. We decided to go two at a time, Christian and I going first so he could warm up in the car. Saul was already in the canoe and had to get back out- and that’s when he fell in. He had the smallest of dips, only going up to his lower shins, but still- it’s cold!

We eventually got everyone and our gear back to the car safely. Long-story short: if the canoe says 2 person- keep it that way and if you see a jellyfish, give him ‘one-for’ and a ‘greetings from AMERICA’ with a good ole’ fashion bitchslap. Oh, and if you do decide to take 3 people in a 2 person canoe in the middle of a Norwegian winter with said to-be-bitchslapped jellyfish, do not- DO NOT- take an unbalanced and uncoordinated intellectual. Saul, I love you man, but no. No…no…

Consider the Norwegian Sea: TAKEN.

The Crew of USS Something: Saul, Christian, and Me

Mike out!

fra Norge med kjærlighet